I’m up and running again and slowly crawling back into the habit of writing my blog. See how it goes this time.
I’ve spent a lot of time lately trying to ‘love myself’. And then I read that article. The article that says that we cannot really love ourselves without others. The significant others who tell us who we are, how we interact and how we are seen in the social environment. It sucks! I really, really hoped that I can just love myself in this empty space, free from people. Because people go away. They change, they move on, they meet someone new, they hang out with their old friends, they may not invest as much in you as you did in them.
And it’s fine, you cannot change it, you cannot fight for friendship or love. And as convenient it is to believe that it was just not meant to be, it is harder to live it.
As I’m going through this mysterious path of finding myself, I learn a lot about my dependence on people. Sometimes it was because of trusting too much and sometimes because I just didn’t want to see the truth. The dependence was in many forms but the bottom line was, it was never out of convenience. It was more putting the trust and knowledge into someone else’s hands and believing that they know better, they do things better, that they are better.
Finding myself on my own made me to trust myself again and quickly did I realize I am not stupid, lazy, needy or pathetic. I am actually none of those things.
I’m still sometimes making the same mistakes but now I can see they are more a pattern of behavior, an old habit that needs to be broken. I still sometimes believe, that a guy doesn’t want me because he is better than me, that I should change in order to be liked or accepted, that I need to do more and be more to be enough.
But then I look at myself and think – no fucking way! I am enough and I will go through this, well, I’m going through this and it’s ok.
And my plans for the future are simple – they are to not to be dependent on anyone ever again, not to be the one waiting for a call a text or a good word. Not to need to ask for money, permission or acceptance.
No need for closeness, sharing your days, dreams and plans. I may miss on some of the butterfly in your stomach feelings but I’ve been there and as nice as it is, it does not make up for the feelings of rejection and loneliness.
The higher you get, the harder you fall.
p.s. Cassie – thanks for reminding me of me xx