Plans – not dreams

I’m up and running again and slowly crawling back into the habit of writing my blog. See how it goes this time.

 

I’ve spent a lot of time lately trying to ‘love myself’. And then I read that article. The article that says that we cannot really love ourselves without others. The significant others who tell us who we are, how we interact and how we are seen in the social environment. It sucks! I really, really hoped that I can just love myself in this empty space, free from people. Because people go away. They  change, they move on, they meet someone new, they hang out with their old friends, they may not invest as much in you as you did in them.

And it’s fine, you cannot change it, you cannot fight for friendship or love. And as convenient it is to believe that it was just not meant to be, it is harder to live it.

 

As I’m going through this mysterious path of finding myself, I learn a lot about my dependence on people. Sometimes it was because of trusting too much and sometimes because I just didn’t want to see the truth. The dependence was in many forms but the bottom line was, it was never out of convenience. It was more putting the trust and knowledge into someone else’s hands and believing that they know better, they do things better, that they are better.

Finding myself on my own made me to trust myself again and quickly did I realize I am not stupid, lazy, needy or pathetic. I am actually none of those things.

I’m still sometimes making the same mistakes but now I can see they are more a pattern of behavior, an old habit that needs to be broken. I still sometimes believe, that a guy doesn’t want me because he is better than me, that I should change in order to be liked or accepted, that I need to do more and be more to be enough.

But then I look at myself and think – no fucking way! I am enough and I will  go through this, well, I’m going through this and it’s ok.

And my plans for the future are simple – they are to not to be dependent on anyone ever again, not to be the one waiting for a call  a text or a good word. Not to need to ask for money, permission or acceptance.

No need for closeness, sharing your days, dreams and plans. I may miss on some of the butterfly in your stomach feelings but I’ve been there and as nice as it is, it does not make up for the feelings of rejection and loneliness.

The higher you get, the harder you fall.

 

p.s. Cassie – thanks for reminding me of me xx

 

 

 

The trick

I’ve been played. Like seriously, by a pro.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about it how and why and when it happened as at the time it was happening I was absolutely convinced I was happy and in love.

 

But I was played big time. Was I needy, vulnerable, easy or just plain stupid??? I can see a bunch of people smiling under their noses and thinking – ‘well, Hun, you are so so stupid’.

 

I talked to a magician the other day and he told me that tricks can’t be played on stupid people. That only intelligent people can do magic, that only the smart ones actually get fooled. Why is that? Simples – the magic, the trick are so obvious and shallow that you refuse to take it at face value. You are looking for the deeper meaning, for the illusion, you want to be tricked or sometimes even you feel too embarrassed for the magician and just go with it for the greater good. In the end, you know it is just for fun, it is an innocent game for entertainment, till you get conned and your wallet gets stolen.

 

The games people play are similar, the tricks we play on one another.

I refused to admit that some of what I believed in was just what it was – the silly, meaningless text, the laziness, the not giving a shit. I wanted to believe that behind this simple and uncomplicated behavior there is a complex, broken persona, who just needs a special treatment to open up and make something meaningful out of this random acts.

 

Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed the magic show, the tricks were amazing, there was lost of claps, awes and truly magical moments.

 

But likewise in a real magic show – I let myself to be fooled and even though I was told from the very beginning – it is just a magic show, it is not real – I was sold and the tricks were so great I didn’t want to remember they are rehearsed and learned and meant to trick masses.

 

The anticlimax is huge, the feeling of not enough, of not wanting to acknowledge the reality enormous and the general atmosphere of comedown overwhelming but at least the show is over.

 

I hope I learned something. That I’m easily tricked and easily pleased. That I trust too much and don’t look at facts just at the delusion.

Or maybe I just get too attached to the magician. Wanting him to succeed, wanting him to make the trick work. Think of all the hard work he put in them and trusting that he only wants to entertain people and there is nothing wrong or bad about it. Maybe I really believe him, even though he is useless, maybe I let myself to be fooled as this is what you do at a magic show and keep missing the obvious. That there was no magic show and no magician. Just a con man at a dirty back street.

 

 

Happy New Year

I haven’t been posting for a while as the blog is not a safe place anymore. Well, should have expected that as it’s public haha. The thing is that some people tend to take some little bits and bobs out of context and blow them out of their proportions. It is like talking quantum physics to someone who still thinks the earth is flat (not that I know anything about quantum physics – it’s a metaphor!!!).
It is a blog, just a blog. A little tiny smidgen of not even my life, but what is going on inside my head. This is not step-by-step introduction to my day but just a vent that helps me get my bearings together. But hey ho! I write it, I need to take the criticism on.

I have always been a bit disappointed when people wished me a happy new year. Is it all you can think of? Isn’t it a bit boring? Surely you can be a bit more creative?!?!?!?!

Today, it’s all I want and need and find important. To be happy. Not ecstatic, elated or on top of the world. Just plain happy. With my choices, my decisions and the things I did.

I need this year to be a year of coherence and integrity. Of me being able to cope with whatever the world throws at me without being shaken, stirred and spat out.

It is difficult as it is a constant battle between the heart and the brain, the emotions and the logics, the ‘wants’ and the ‘shoulds’, between believing and being skeptical and distant.

Last year brought in people who I believed are nearest and dearest and there for me but they weren’t really; brought those who were strangers one day and true friends the next; those who should not linger but still manage to come back and  those who I always wanted but just couldn’t make it to work.

It was a year of black and white (not grey at all). Of total extremes that made the everyday life almost impossible (it is a figure of speech – I am capable of looking after my children!). It was a constant no mans land between wanting to hide in a nest and cry and being happy for the kids, the constant wanting to fight for what we had left and suffocating in the old toxic relationship, the battle between not giving a shit and taking things too personally.

This year needs to be a year of balance and moderation (everything in moderation, including moderation!). A year when I learn and understand that people don’t need to love me to like me, don’t need to have time for me, to respect me and don’t need to like me to tolerate me. A year when I will learn to be assertive for the better good, to postpone the instant gratification and a year when I am not going to spend every night crying myself to sleep.

I do not hate my husband or his lover or any other person who made me cry this past year. I am just really disappointed and out of my comfort zone, especially being blamed for how things turned out. Surely, the fault lies somewhere in the middle but now it doesn’t really matter.

If I could wish for one thing is for people to stop playing games and for them to give me a bit of break and understanding. I may not be doing it very well but I am doing my best, given the circumstances.

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.”

― Henry David Thoreau, Walden: Or, Life in the Woods

The truth

You have to be yourself. You have to be true to yourself.
It’s sometimes hard as you want to be liked and accepted. You think you could or should accommodate to other’s needs and expectations in order to get what you need or want.

It may even work for a while or till your own, personal boundaries are not stretched to its limits.

But it will backfire.

Even if you think you don’t know who you are there is that gut feeling that will make you wonder, why a certain situation makes you uncomfortable or awkward. Instead of asking multiple questions and beat yourself up for not being the way you would like yourself to be or others would like you to be, you should accept the truth about yourself.

The process may be hard and very uncomfortable because a lot of people may not like you being you. You may lose the instant gratifications that in the long run leave you empty and disappointed.

You will have to grow up and face the fact that petty things don’t really serve you and in order to be happy and content you need to cut out some things, believes and people from your life.

The hardest things is to realize it has never been their fault. They do not read your mind (or they don’t want to see the truth) as you eloquently make yourself and them believe the opposite. You want to be seen as this cool, happy go lucky person who is fine with how things are. You don’t want the drama. You don’t want to seem needy, weird and complicated.

Worse even, if you are not certain who you really are, you try different masks on and check which one gives you what you immediately need. And as the instant need is met, the bigger, overall one, isn’t. It causes a huge cognitive dissonance and makes you doubt yourself.

‘If I keep doing this or keep agreeing to that – who am I really?’ You feel it’s not right but your brain doesn’t want to allow yourself to admit a mistake and it tries to rationalize your choices, behaviors and believes.

It will backfire. It will eat you up and initially you will blame others – men for being dicks, women for being twats, children for being needy, work for being hard, friends for not having time for you and karma for being a bitch.

Which will pull you away from the real you even more because you know deep down that you don’t want to blame and hate. You want to be happy, loved and content. But you will never achieve it by being fake and distant. Relationships built upon you pretending g being someone who you are not are doomed. You want to believe that maybe you are exaggerating, maybe you should be cool with things, maybe it’s not such a big deal. But the gut feeling in your stomach tells a different story.

It is difficult to break habits and behavioral patterns that have been followed for years only because they worked, they felt safe and easy. It’s hard to show people who you really are because if they don’t like or love you will know it is the real you not something you presented to them. There won’t be anymore excuses that if they knew the real you, they would like you.

At the same time, the anxiety and tension will slowly disappear. The relationships will become more stable and less disappointing. Those who chose you will do so for who you are and the ever stretching boundaries will feel comfortable again. Or so I believe.

Back to black

Warning – it is a tough, dark post. I was thinking before deciding to write it but I just need to get it out of my system – maybe it will help someone else. Btw. I’m not suicidal atm .

I’ve been reading about suicide a lot. So many innocent people dies every minute in serious, stupid, silly and unexpected ways yet it is so difficult to commit suicide. There are hundreds, literally hundreds pages about suicide, the methods, the drugs mixtures, the statistics. It all says pretty much the same – it is not so easy to kill yourself. You most probably will finish up handicapped or with serious health issues but you won’t die.

The other thing is that suicidal people don’t really want to die – they want the pain to go away. Their pain threshold can’t cope with the amount of emotional and existential hardship they are going through and they just want out of it. Sometimes it’s just cry for help, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes just having suicidal thoughts is helpful as it gives you a feel of relieve that if things go even worse, there is a solution.

Another issue about suicide is that if there was something to put you IN the sate of mind there must be something to get you OUT of it surely. Just try one more day, or three, or a week. If you are going to be dead anyway, it won’t make much difference, will it?

Suicide often sound ridiculous. To people who don’t have that switch in their minds, to those who actually enjoy life and have a strong survival instinct suicide sounds like a dramatic, self-absorbed drama queeining and attention seeking. They think that suicidal people must be either just stupid or plain crazy. How could you possibly like to die???? There is so much to live for!!

Yes, there is. I have plenty – myself, my children, my family. The shoes, the ice-cream, the holidays. They cosy nights in and the crazy nights out. The job satisfaction and the excitement of meeting someone new.

But after you’ve been through a lot there are also triggers. There are memories, there is the knowledge that one day he is going to meet someone and you most probably will find out about it on Facebook. There are the memories of your mistakes and the moments when you really wished for ‘what if’ rather than ‘oops’. There is the knowledge that you were not the special one for him, that you did not get that job, that actually you have not achieved anything.

So for me it’s not the pain of living, it’s the fear of it.

I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to live with that fear either. Stalemate.

What’s the worst that can happen?

Be brave.

Follow your dreams.

Believe.

B+

Live in the moment and believe in yourself as every cloud has a silver lining and success comes to those who work for it. Remember it is better to say ‘oops’ than ‘what if’ and you will never know unless you try.

I could probably write a book filled with positive, motivational quotes that probably are true and helpful and genuine.

What’s the worst that can happen in the end? 80% of things you worry about never happen and if they do, they usually are less tragic or stressful than you anticipated.

Funny thing is, my ‘the worst’ keeps happening so it is probably me making the same mistakes.

I really wished for something not turning out the worst possible way. I do hope for the best and it never ever happens.

Worse more – it begins as something good and positive and then it just slaps you in the face.

I believe people are not cruel, selfish, desperate and heartless but some of them are. And it just seems like they don’t really care about hurting me. They say they do but they don’t do anything about it or do the opposite.

It is such a strange feeling when you imagine the worst case scenario and then it actually happens. You can’t believe to begin with, you try to find the positive in a situation, you try to rationalize it and just chill out but the facts are there and you can’t make it look better.

It is a strange feeling when you slowly realize that people don’t care. That you are alone.

One year on

Today last year I found out about my husband’s affair.

It is funny as I remember every detail about that day – what I was wearing, how it all happened, what I was feeling.

I remember that when her husband came to our house to confront my husband but I didn’t know if it was about it for sure, there was a split second when I prayed to god for it not to be true.
I had that moment of total clarity when with a pure and logical mind I just knew that if this is true, my life is never going to be the same ever again.

Well, and it isn’t.

If you read the blog you know my story. You know about all those wonderful people I met who helped me through this difficult time, you know about the wrong decisions I made and the constant struggle I have with trusting people. The depression and anxiety are overlapping and I don’t remember a day that I could just be me, without the stigma of my life shattering into pieces.

If you know me in person, you know I just carry on. I am a bit more forgetful, sharp, bitter and needy but I try to lead a normal life.

You also know that I learned a lot through this and I shared some of it with you here.

The most prominent and always there attitude and advice was – ‘YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY’

Me: ‘What’s the point of being happy if you don’t have anyone to share it with???”
Him: ‘You firs have to be happy to share it with someone.’

It is the lesson of being independent, strong and finding happiness in little things without needing anyone or anything.

Let me just tell you – I don’t agree.

People do make me happy – my friends, people who pay me compliments, people who like my cooking and my sense of humor. I like receiving nice texts, I like being taken into account and I like being liked. This makes me happy.

Going to Bunny Hop, shopping, sleeping, eating, hot bath, unicorns and glitter – this makes me happy too.

My work, learning new things, being prized for my achievements – this makes me happy too.

My children and feeling like I’m not failing as a mum – that makes me happy.

And I’m not going to say that I don’t need it. I do, as I exists in relevance to people and things. I express myself through interactions and build myself back up again.

So what is the lesson I learned???

‘NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU UNHAPPY’

This is my lesson. Build yourself up so no one’s opinion, joke, remark or indifference makes you unhappy. Don’t expect from people, don’t allow them to influence you so much that despite all the good about yourself you feel like shit if they are not the way you want them to be.

Doesn’t matter if you were cheated on, your texts were ignored, someone doesn’t reciprocate your feelings – this is their problem. You are still amazing. You may hurt and suffer but this is not a reflection of you.

You need to do your best, be good, be ready for failure and rejection but this mustn’t take your spark away.

And this is what I learned.